I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
fixed it
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.