Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead