don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
*sewing*
A thread
Peace was never an option
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.