Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
There’s always that one guy
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.