@mean_crow: "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"
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@TimFernholz: The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
@GingerHotDish: [Me as a Sunday school teacher] ...then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
@GlennHowerton: Happy St. Paddy's Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I'm not allowed to go out on St. Paddy's Day anymore. It's too much.
@GrantTanaka: there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy