“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!