“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
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Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that