Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
anyone else like Italian cereal
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*