FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year