Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what