Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Phonetics
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT