Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
normalize having existential bread
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine