Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
awkward
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I think they could have phrased this better
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.