“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.