“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket