@thesulk: "Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover"
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@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.
@NateKofiStruck: The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens