I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*