If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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Canada has crack?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
so much to do
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out