@Bandersnaaatch: I need to make my kids understand that I'm not staff, I'm management.

@AddledPixie: Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@dlsims01: A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.

@UNTRESOR: Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!