@envydatropic: Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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@thegayfarmerguy: The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
@Fred_Delicious: **You're through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops** [smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
@dubstep4dads: ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains? ZOMBIE 2: because. It's food for thought! haha ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
@Donna_McCoy: I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.