Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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no one likes gloating
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
This rocks
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.