I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Mountain Goat : )
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.