DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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I love twitter
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
(2022)
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.