somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
it’s either covid or clever vampires