The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Vodka burrito was a success
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Ron is short for Aaronald
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”