@duplicitron: Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
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@AbrasiveGhost: ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun
@jake_lach: Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack? -Weed
@Ms_Shazam: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." - Me to my children.
@_SingleBabyMama: A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.