Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A woman drives into a bar.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.