Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Tell me you get it…🤣
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god