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@nayomeewallace: Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
@snotnboogers23: Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
@ShoutingGoddess: One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say:
Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
@jasonroeder: When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
@Corncleats: *flexing arms* I'd like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-
Holy shit that's way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2