@ceejoyner: Sometimes at the beach it's like "gross, is that a condom?" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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@aka_fatman: Let's play the Rihanna drinking game! We'll drink a shot of vodka every time she says 'work'. [2 minutes later] *house is on fire*
@EndhooS: Cool puppy. What's his name? "Patches" Aww, that's a cute name. Because he has those spots? "Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"
@ObscureGent: Home Alone teaches us that a child can't pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
@david8hughes: [date] Me: you wanna see what desserts they have? Wife: how about we go home & I'll let you- Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?