@ceejoyner: Sometimes at the beach it's like "gross, is that a condom?" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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@Brampersandon_: GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
@SortaSarcastic: Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at.
@sexncake: I'm trying to become a vegetarian so from now I'm only eating seafood. Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
@TEXASVETERAN: All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don't get into relationships.