Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You Might Also Like
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?