Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.