Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Worlds greatest photobomb