@kelkulus: Sometimes at the gym I'll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I'll get my shorts on.
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@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@PaperWash: I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
@Roxtalled: Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.