Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
black phone good