Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it