@CharlieDontSrf: Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
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@liv_thatsme: Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I've got all the time in the world.
@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
@bitchofficially: I'm gonna start a woman's monthly magazine called "Period", and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
@TheMichaelRock: How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?