You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
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My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*