Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
This is a whole mood;
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.