@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them
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@mattZillaaaa: I love it when I see an old friend I haven't seen in years and pretend to not see them
@3sunzzz: [traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?
@dreamthievin: If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I'm going out for tacos