Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
they really do be looking like this
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.