Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
some things should go without saying
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
When your man makes a valid point
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.