I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute