dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The point of your 20s
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The cashier just checked me out.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Wait a minute…
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
guilty
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.