Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance