Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Morning my dudes.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.