sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”