When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
This rocks
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right