Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
For those that worship cheese..
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.