Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I enjoy a good short stor
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions