@Hella_Rad: sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don't think they're ugly or something
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@brynnester: [Confession] Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday Me: Yeah I was getting to that part
@KentWGraham: When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.