there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.