Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
normalize having existential bread
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!