Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
October already? What’s next? November????
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.