@karlainvt: Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver...
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Is it "butt" naked or "buck" naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
@13spencer: [Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
@wendchymes: Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out "DEAR GOD MY BACK!"
@Jermaine_Accram: My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect