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@karlainvt: Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver...
@Bob_Heller: Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
@Cheeseboy22: Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
@Thynebear: Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!"
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"
@Julian_Deane: Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
@DocBrown21: My next tattoo will be "helvetica" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her