@jammiiepants: Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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@Coolisiana: *saves baby from burning building* "How can I ever repay you?!" Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*
@desi_princess: I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?
@AlexReekie: Just wrote "58008" on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up. I hate the future.
@animaldrumss: [overhears guy saying economy is bad] [later, at family dinner] no trust me, the last thing you want is an economy. those things are so bad