Ooh I do like a good funnel
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
yes… yes…
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown