Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…