Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Harsh but fair
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”